The Department of Health and Human Services today announced that its new Bureau of Well Being was going to be rolling out new guidelines for Santa Claus. The jolly old elf came under scrutiny because of criticism of structural racism, religious intolerance, and tax evasion. The review resulted in the Santa Claus and his entire operation working a deal with the IRS to turn over all assets and trademarks to the federal government.
Bureau of Well Being held a press conference during which they presented the replacement for Santa Claus and explained the reasons behind these changes. An old, fat, Northern European male was not seen as inclusive enough for such a diverse population as the United States has. Also, the Santa in Santa Claus is referring to a Christian saint and that would violate the division between church and state.
Although a penguin had been suggested to replace him, someone pointed out that 1) penguins are only black and white and so leave out all the other races, thus oppressing them and 2) penguins are from the South Pole and not the North Pole. There was a fierce discussion about how having a representative from the southern hemisphere would be better representative of the oppressed in the world, but then there was a movement to start cycling through all the endangered animals in the world and even the federal employees in the Bureau of Well Being thought it was all a bit silly. Thus the penguin idea was set aside in favor of a wise Inuit person with the unisex name of Aput.
Aput will have a far greater task than her/his predecessor. Aput will be a fierce warrior for social justice and will give out gift not based on the behavior of children, but based on whether they deserve them based on family income, race and gender. Aput will receive this information from the NSA and IRS and so will be better informed than Santa ever was, S/he will literally know if you are asleep or awake at any given moment.
Being wise, Aput will take into consideration any ecological and political demonstrations children take part in for the betterment of the planet and they will count in favor of students who wish to receive presents, even if they might not otherwise qualify. Union membership of family members also counts toward gifts and so children should encourage family members to join and actively support unions. Attending events that are to the detriment of the planet and mankind, such as any Tea Party or NRA meeting, will count negatively when determining gift eligibility like some nice pieces like wood watches.
In the spirit of social and economic justice, Aput will not only give presents to deserving minorities and the poor instead of the rich, but will take presents from the home of wealthy, heterosexual, male Caucasians, and distribute the gifts to those who deserve them more. Any attempt to hide presents will result in a SWAT team from the NASA (really, there has to be a good reason for NASA to have a SWAT team) to remove the gifts and send the recalcitrant inhabitants to re-education camps in Alaska.
Aput will not travel as Santa did since modern vehicles would have a carbon footprint and an animal driven sleigh would mean the imprisonment and exploitation of animals. Aput will always be in your home in spirit and possibly through your webcam, there is no need to travel if you are already omnipresent. S/he will also record any firearms present in the house and will report any anti-government sentiment to the appropriate authorities. Aput will also reward those who regularly praise, sing songs , and pray to the current administration.
The Bureau consulted numerous academics, minority action groups, government agencies, and ran numerous focus groups while defining the characteristics of this new American icon. Aput defines the new American spirit of community and global awareness, and will help the people in this country to understand what is best for them and the planet. Aput knows what is best and will help save us from ourselves.